Study of Beelzebub's Tales




13 Why in Man’s Reason Fantasy May Be Perceived as Reality


Beelzebub intended to say something more, but at that moment a ship’s servant entered and, approaching, handed him an “etherogram” in his name.


When Beelzebub had finished listening to the contents of the said “etherogram” and the ship’s servant had gone, Hassein turned to Beelzebub again with the following words:


19 Beelzebub’s Tales About His Second Descent onto the Planet Earth


“Once, while on the planet Mars, we received an etherogram from the Center announcing the imminent reappearance there on the planet Mars of certain Most High Sacred Individuals; and indeed, within half a Martian year, a number of Archangels, Angels, Cherubim, and Seraphim did appear there, most of whom had been members of that Most Great Commission which had already appeared on our planet Mars during the first great catastrophe to that planet of yours.


“When I arrived on our ship Occasion I found an etherogram for me from Mars in which I was informed of the arrival there of another party of beings from the planet Karatas, and that speedy return there was desired.


“Thanks to this etherogram a very strange idea came into my head—namely, I thought that instead of disposing of the planetary body of my friend on the planet Earth, I might take it with me and give it to the presence of the planet Mars.


23 The Fourth Personal Sojourn of Beelzebub on the Planet Earth


At this point of Beelzebub’s tales, he was given a “Leitoochanbros,” that is, a special metal plate on which is recorded the text of an etherogram received from somewhere or other, the addressee having only to hold it to his perceptive hearing organ to hear everything communicated in it.


“You see, my boy, what coincidences occur in our Great Universe.

“The contents of this etherogram concern just your favorites in connection with these terrestrial beings I have just mentioned, that is, these apes.

“It has been sent to me from the planet Mars, and among other things there is communicated in it that the three-centered beings of the planet Earth have again begun to revive what is called the ‘Ape question.’


“Judging from the etherogram, this question is this time agitating chiefly those biped beings who breed there on the continent called America.


“In the text of the etherogram which I have just received, it is further said that in order this time finally to settle who has descended from whom—whether they from the apes or the apes from them—these freaks, your favorites, have even decided to carry out ‘scientific experiments,’ and furthermore that several of them have already left for the continent of Africa where many of these apes breed, with the object of bringing back from there the number required for these ‘scientific investigations’ of theirs.


“To judge by this etherogram, the beings of the planet Earth who have taken your fancy are again, in their turn, up to their ‘extraordinary tricks.’


“Yes, my boy, it seems that I have not yet told you why and by whom, since I left the solar system Ors, I am kept informed by etherograms of the most important events which proceed on various planets of that system, and, of course, also about events proceeding on your planet Earth.


“However, my boy, owing to this etherogram, I have wandered a long way from my original tale.

“Let us go back to our former theme.


29 The Fruits of Former Civilizations and the Blossoms of the Contemporary


“And I conclude this from the etherogram I recently received from the planet Mars, in which among other things it was said that though there are more than two and a half millions of what are called ‘unemployed-beings’ in that community England, yet the power-possessing beings there take no measures concerning this, but endeavor to spread still more widely among them that same famous sport of theirs.


33 Beelzebub as Professional Hypnotist


“Well, my boy, according to the researches and investigations of one of our countrymen who exists there even up till now, about which I was informed by an etherogram after my final departure from the surface of your planet, it turned out that once, when their process of ‘reciprocal-destruction’ began between the community of beings breeding on this Egypt and the beings of a neighboring community, and when at the same time one of their, as they are called, ‘Pharaohs’ came to the end of his existence, the beings whose business it was to preserve the bodies of meritorious beings everlastingly were unable, owing to the approach of beings hostile to them, to keep the planetary body of this Pharaoh in castor oil as long as was necessary, that is to say, half a month; but nevertheless, they put this body into castor oil, placed it in a hermetically closed room and, having dissolved in a certain way the said sacred substance-force they introduced it into the said room so as to obtain in this way what they wished.


37 France


“How great a misfortune it is for the ordinary beings of that France that the contemporary ‘center-of-culture’ should lie within their community, you will well understand, my boy, if I tell you about one of the consequences of this. I learned about it thanks to that information which was communicated to me in one of the latest etherograms concerning the three-centered beings of that planet of yours.


“And while in these two contemporary communities, namely, in the community England and in the community America, the cutting of women’s hair has already produced, in the first case ‘suffragettes,’ and in the second what are called ‘Christian Scientists’ and ‘theosophists,’ and moreover when this Hasnamussian fashion of cutting the hair of beings of the female sex became universally spread, as you will learn from the continuation of my tale, a proportionate increase was everywhere noticed—as I was informed by the etherogram I received—in the number of the illnesses of these unfortunate beings of the female sex, which they call women’s diseases, namely, various sorts of venereal inflammations of the sexual organs, such as ‘vaginitis,’ ‘uteritis,’ ‘ovaritis,’ and what they call ‘cancer.’


“And so, my boy, although this same fashion, the cutting of the hair of the beings of the female sex, invented in this Paris itself by beings with Hasnamussian properties, was not then in the beginning implanted in this same community France, yet owing to their capital being the collecting place for the beings with Hasnamussian properties from other countries who continue to persist in this maleficent invention, these latter have ultimately succeeded in implanting it; and the beings of the female sex, there in France also, likewise have begun to cut their hair, and at the present time this cutting of their hair is in full swing for nearly all of them. At the hairdressers even, chiefly of course there in their capital Paris, they have to take their turn as I was informed in this etherogram, exactly as people had to take their turn not long ago in the community Russia for receiving ‘American flour.’ And from this contagious rush of women to the hairdressers to get their hair cut, court proceedings are already arising between these hairdressers and the fathers, husbands, and brothers of these ‘shorn lambs,’ and many what are called ‘divorces’ are also obtained.


“It is interesting that the judges there, as it was also communicated in that etherogram, in each case acquitted the hairdressers on the grounds that the beings of the female sex who went to them were already over sixteen years of age, and had therefore, owing to the laws there, reached their majority and were free to do as they pleased.


38 Religion


“Although the process of the strangeness of their peculiar psyche, namely, the process of the final destruction of these two great religions, began after my departure from their solar system, yet thanks to the contents of an etherogram about the beings of that strange planet which I received just before our flight from the planet Karatas I understand how things were, and can now already say with complete conviction that they will no longer stop at stripping them, but without further ado entirely destroy even their very traces.


“In the said etherogram, by the way, it was conveyed to me that there on your planet, first of all in the city of Jerusalem a University specially for Jewish youths was being opened, and secondly that in the community Turkey an order was promulgated closing all what are called ‘dervish monasteries’ and prohibiting men from wearing the ‘fez’ and women the ‘yashmak.’


“And indeed, in the last etherogram I received about the three-brained beings of that ill-fated planet, I was informed among other things that a ‘record’ speed of this machine had already been established there of 325 miles an hour.


“Judging by the latter half of the contents of this etherogram, the process of the entire destruction of this second great religion is bound to proceed or had already proceeded there, on account of that order mentioned in the etherogram promulgated by the power-possessing beings of the community Turkey.


“And as regards the other order communicated to me in that etherogram and promulgated in that same community Turkey, namely, the prohibition upon beings of the ‘male sex’ to wear the formerly famous fez and upon the beings of the ‘female sex,’ the yashmak, the consequences of these innovations are very clearly depicted in my being-picturings about the future.


42 Beelzebub in America


“I must explain that from the very beginning of his responsible existence, he also became, whether by accident or by the will of Fate I do not know, a follower, and in fact a very devout follower, of our wise and esteemed Mullah Nassr Eddin, and furthermore in the ordinary process of his being-existence he has never lost the smallest opportunity to act entirely according to Mullah Nassr Eddin’s unprecedently wise and inimitable sayings. And now, according to the information which has reached me by etherogram, all of a sudden he appears to be constantly acting contrary to one of the very serious and exceptionally practical counsels—certainly not accessible to everybody—of this Teacher above all teachers, which is formulated in the following words:


“‘Ekh, Brother! Here on the Earth if you speak the truth you’re a great fool, whereas if you wriggle with your soul you are only a “scoundrel,” though also a big one. So it is best of all to do nothing, but just recline on your divan and learn to sing like the sparrow that had not yet turned into an American canary.’


43 Beelzebub’s Survey of the Process of the Periodic Reciprocal Destruction of Men, or Beelzebub’s Opinion of War


“This time, from what I myself learned for certain during my last stay there, and also from the intimation communicated to me by etherogram, Great Nature there is evidently about to increase, for future times, the birth rate of other forms of beings there.


“In the information communicated to me by etherogram it was said, among other things, that in the same large community Russia the birth rate of beings of the kinds of rodents called ‘mice’ and ‘rats’ had increased to such an unprecedented extent that at the present time they are beginning to devour most of the stored provisions of the beings of the said community.


“It was further conveyed in the same etherogram that the power-possessing beings of the community Russia had applied to the beings of another European community to undertake the destruction of the existence of those small beings—mice and rats—which had multiplied among them, in return for which they promised to pay them as much money as it would cost.


44 In the Opinion of Beelzebub, Man’s Understanding of Justice Is for Him in the Objective Sense an Accursed Mirage


“And your uncle Tooilan, as I have also already told you, was then enrolled as one of the assistants to the director of the etherogram station on the holy planet Purgatory, which, then as now, has an ‘etherogram connection’ with almost all the planets of our Great Universe.


“And so when I learned of the permanent place of their existence and to which posts they were found worthy, I, from then on, according to my promise, sent every quarter of our year to Tooilan an exact copy of all my written summaries of those observations which I continued to make. Rather many years passed since the time I began to send Tooilan these etherograms and I personally did not know what became of them until I received information about these same turbulent events on the planet Purgatory. It transpired that the great Governor of the holy planet Purgatory, His All-Quarters-Maintainer the Arch-cherub Helkgematios, having once by chance learned that one of the assistants of the Governor of the etherogram station, Tooilan, periodically received from the solar system Ors very long etherograms from his father, evinced a desire to become acquainted with their contents, and having become acquainted with them, he not only became interested in them himself, but even commanded your uncle Tooilan always to reproduce the contents of these etherograms in the common planetary ‘Toolookhterzinek,’1 so that some of the ‘higher being-bodies’ dwelling on the holy planet might, if they wished, for a rest, be informed of the psyche of those peculiar three-brained beings breeding in one of the very remote corners of the Megalocosmos.


“Your uncle Tooilan afterwards always did so. Whenever he received etherograms from me he always reproduced their contents in the common planetary Toolookhterzinek, and in this way all those righteous souls dwelling on the holy planet were kept informed of all my observations and investigations of everything concerning their strange psyches.

“From then on, certain of the righteous higher being-bodies there on the holy planet not only began to follow all my observations very attentively, but they also began to ponder on the strangeness of their psyche.


45 In the Opinion of Beelzebub, Man’s Extraction of Electricity from Nature and Its Destruction During Its Use, Is One of the Chief Causes of the Shortening of the Life of Man


“No sooner had we arrived on the planet Saturn than the chief of our tribe there at once came and announced to us the contents of the etherogram he had just received, in which it was stated that the big intersystem ship Omnipresent would land on the planet Saturn only early in the ‘Hre-Hree-Hra.’