Study of Beelzebub's Tales




19 Beelzebub’s Tales About His Second Descent onto the Planet Earth


“At last it came to the point that the priesthood began to bribe various beings who had ‘Hasnamuss’ properties to plan and commit every kind of outrage upon this poor Abdil; and, indeed, these terrestrial nullities with the properties mentioned even tried on several occasions to destroy his existence by sprinkling poison on the various edible offerings brought to him.


21 The First Visit of Beelzebub to India


“One kind was invented by those three-brained beings there themselves, in whom, for some reason or other, there arises the functioning of a psyche proper to Hasnamusses; and the other kind of religious-teaching is founded there upon those detailed instructions which have been preached, as it were, by genuine Messengers from Above, who indeed are from time to time sent by certain nearest helpers of our COMMON FATHER, for the purpose of aiding the three-brained beings of your planet in destroying in their presences the crystallized consequences of the properties of the organ Kundabuffer.


“The religion which was then followed by most of the beings of the country Pearl-land and to become acquainted with which I then devoted my attention, and about which I find it necessary to tell you a little, arose there in the following way:


“As I later learned, with the multiplication of the three-brained beings of that third group, many beings among them with the properties of Hasnamusses were formed into responsible beings; and when these latter began spreading ideas more maleficent than usual among the beings of that group, there was crystallized in the presences of the majority of the three-centered beings of the third group, that special psychic property, which, in its totality, already engendered a factor which greatly hindered the normal ‘exchange-of-substances’ actualized by the Most Great common-cosmic Trogoautoegocrat. Well, then, as soon as this lamentable result, also issuing from this planet, was noticed by certain Most Most Sacred Individuals, it was sanctioned that a corresponding Sacred Individual should be sent there, specially to that group of beings, for the more or less tolerable regulation of their being-existence in accordance with the existence of the whole of that solar system.

“It was just then that the aforementioned Sacred Individual was sent to them who, having been coated with the planetary body of a terrestrial being, was called, as I have said, Saint Buddha.

“The coating of the said Sacred Individual with a planetary body of a terrestrial three-brained being was actualized there several centuries before my first visit to the country Pearl-land.”


“My dear Grandfather, during your tales you have already many times used the expression Hasnamuss. I have until now understood only from the intonation of your voice and from the consonance of the word itself, that by this expression you defined those three-brained beings whom you always set apart from others as if they deserved ‘Objective-Contempt.’

“Be so kind as always and explain to me the real meaning and exact sense of this word.”


“Concerning the ‘typicality’ of the three-brained beings for whom I have adopted this verbal definition, I shall explain it to you at the proper time, but meanwhile know that this word designates every already ‘definitized’ common presence of a three-brained being, both those consisting only of the single planetary body as well as those whose higher being-bodies are already coated in them, and in which for some reason or other, data have not been crystallized for the Divine impulse of ‘Objective-Conscience.’”


Having said only this in defining the word Hasnamuss, Beelzebub continued to speak:


24 Beelzebub’s Flight to the Planet Earth for the Fifth Time


“Clearly to represent and to substantiate in yourself the understanding just why such a peculiar craze arose in the individuality of that Persian king and became proper only to him, you must know that at the period of the Tikliamish civilization, in the town called ‘Chiklaral’ a three-brained learned being by name Harnahoom—whose essence later became crystallized into what is called an ‘Eternal-Hasnamussian-individual’—invented that any old metal you like, abundant on the surface of that planet, could easily be turned into the rare metal ‘gold’ and all it was necessary to know for this was just one very small ‘secret.’


“And as at that period to which my tale relates, this Persian king needed for some or other of his undoubtedly Hasnamussian aims, a great deal of this metal, rare on the surface of the Earth, called ‘gold,’ and as the notion concerning this method that had been invented by the then existing ‘Hasnamussian-individual,’ Harnahoom, had also reached his presence, he was eager to get gold by so easy a means.


“The second Babylonian teaching which then had many followers, and which, passing from generation to generation, also reached your contemporary favorites, was on the contrary one of the atheistic teachings of that period.


“In this teaching by the terrestrial Hasnamussian candidates of that time, it was stated that there is no God in the world, and moreover no soul in man, and hence that all those talks and discussions about the soul are nothing more than the deliriums of sick visionaries.


“The point is, that during the mentioned ‘agitation-of-minds’ of that time in the city of Babylon, these learned beings, owing to their collective wiseacrings acquired in their presences, in addition to all they already had, a further mass of new data for Hasnamussian manifestations, and when they dispersed and went home to their own countries, they began everywhere, of course unconsciously, to propagate like contagious bacilli all these notions which all together, ultimately, totally destroyed the last remnants and even the traces of all the results of the holy labors of the Very Saintly Ashiata Shiemash.

“The remnants, that is to say, of those holy ‘consciously-suffering-labors’ which he intentionally actualized for the purpose of creating, just for three-centered beings, such special external conditions of ordinary being-existence in which alone the maleficent consequences of the properties of the organ Kundabuffer could gradually disappear from their presences, so that in their place there could be gradually acquired those properties proper to the presence of every kind of three-brained being, whose whole presence is an exact similitude of everything in the Universe.


“In the name of Justice, I must now say that the prime initiative for the destruction of the holy labors of Ashiata Shiemash did not spring, however, from these learned of the Earth who were then assembled in the city of Babylon, but from the invention of a learned being very well known there, who also existed there on the continent Asia several centuries before these Babylonian events, namely, from the invention of a being named ‘Lentrohamsanin’ who, having coated his higher-being-part into a definite unit, and having perfected himself by Reason up to the required gradation of Objective Reason, also became one of those three hundred and thirteen Hasnamussian-Eternal-individuals who now exist on the small planet bearing the name of Retribution.


27 The Organization for Man’s Existence Created by the Very Saintly Ashiata Shiemash


“They ‘educate’ their children never to be able and never to dare to do as the ‘conscience’ present in them instinctively directs, but only that which is prescribed in the manuals of ‘bon ton’ usually drawn up there just by various candidates for ‘Hasnamusses.’


28 The Chief Culprit in the Destruction of All the Very Saintly Labors of Ashiata Shiemash


“As a result of his inner what is called ‘double-gravity-centered’ existence, the ‘highest being-part’ of the presence of this terrestrial three-brained being was coated and perfected up to the required gradation of Objective Reason, and later this ‘highest being-part’ became, as I have once already told you, one of those three hundred and thirteen ‘highest being-bodies’ who are called ‘Eternal-Hasnamuss-individuals’ and who have the place of their further existence in the Universe on a small planet existing under the name of ‘Eternal-Retribution.’


“Now, strictly speaking, about this terrestrial three-brained being Lentrohamsanin, I would have to fulfill my promise and to explain to you in detail about the expression Hasnamuss, but I prefer to do so a little later in the proper place of the sequence in this tale.


“It was then that I learned that this Lentrohamsanin arose, or, as it is said there, ‘was born,’ on the continent Asia, in the capital of Nievia, the town Kronbookhon.


“The conception of his arising resulted from the blending of two heterogeneous Exioëharies formed in two already elderly three-brained Keschapmartnian beings there.


“His ‘producers’ or, as it is said there, his ‘parents,’ having chosen as the place for their permanent existence the capital of Nievia, moved there three terrestrial years before the arising of that later Universal Hasnamuss.


“This subsequently Universal Hasnamuss inscribed further as follows:


“When this subsequent Universal Hasnamuss, Lentrohamsanin, had finished inscribing this Kashireitleer, indeed unprecedented there, he arranged an enormous and costly banquet to which he invited all the learned beings from all Nievia, taking upon himself all their traveling expenses; and at the end of this banquet, he showed them his Kashireitleer.


“The result of it all was that the ordinary beings of the town Kronbookhon as well as of other parts of the country Nievia talked among themselves of nothing but these ‘revelations.’


“And gradually, as it also usually happens there, almost everywhere beings became divided into two mutually opposing parties, one of which favored the ‘invention’ of the subsequent Universal Hasnamuss, and the other, the already existing and well-fixed forms of being-existence.


“Although the direct effect of that maleficent invention of the now Universal Hasnamuss Lentrohamsanin was that among your favorites the practice was revived of existing in separate distinct communities and they again resumed their periodic reciprocal destruction, yet within many of these newly arisen independent communities on the continent Asia, beings still continued to conform in their ordinary existence to many of the unprecedently wisely foreseen usages of the Very Saintly Ashiata Shiemash for their ordinary being-existence, which usages had already been inseparably fused into their automatically flowing process of daily existence.


“And now, my boy, after my tale about this Lentrohamsanin—thanks to which you obtained to a certain degree a conspective account of the consequences for subsequent generations ensuing from the activities of such a typical representative of Eternal-Hasnamuss-individuals from among the three-brained beings of the planet Earth—it will now be quite opportune to explain to you, as I promised, a little more in detail about the significance of the word Hasnamuss.


“In general, those independent individuals are called and defined by the word Hasnamuss in whom, among what are called ‘Individual-impulses,’ a certain ‘something’ arises, which participates in what is called the ‘completed formation’ of independent individualities in the common presences of three-brained beings both of the highest possible coating as well as of those who consist only of the planetary body alone.


“In the common presence of every kind of three-brained being, there can arise during the process of his planetary existence, four kinds of independent Hasnamuss-individuals.


“The first kind of Hasnamuss-individual is a three-brained being who, while acquiring in his common presence that something, still consists only of his planetary body and who, during the process of his sacred Rascooarno, is subject to the corresponding consequences of the presence in him of the properties of this something and is thus destroyed forever such as he is.


“The second kind of Hasnamuss-individual is that Kesdjan body of a three-brained being which is coated in his common presence with the participation of that same something and which, acquiring—as is proper to such a cosmic arising—the property of ‘Toorinoorino,’ that is, nondecomposition in any sphere of that planet on which he arose, has to exist, by being formed again and again in a certain way, such as he is, until this certain something will have been eliminated from him.


“The third kind of Hasnamuss-individual is the highest being-body or soul, during the coating of which in the common presence of a three-brained being this something arises and participates; and he also acquires the property of Toorinoorino, but this time proper to this highest being-body; that is to say, this arising is no longer subject to decomposition not only in the spheres of that planet on which he had his arising, but also in all other spheres of the Great Universe.


“The fourth kind of Hasnamuss-individual is similar to the third, but with this difference, that the Hasnamuss of the third kind has the possibility of at some time succeeding in becoming so to say ‘cleansed’ from this something, whereas for this fourth kind such a possibility is lost forever.


“That is why this fourth kind of Hasnamuss is called an ‘Eternal-Hasnamuss-individual.’


“For these four kinds of Hasnamuss-individuals, owing to their having in their presences this something, the mentioned retributive-suffering-consequences are various and correspond both to the nature of each kind as well as to what is called ‘objective-responsibilities’ ensuing from the primordial providence and hopes and expectations of our COMMON FATHER concerning these cosmic actualizations.


“For the Hasnamuss of the first kind, namely, when this something is acquired by a being still consisting only of just a planetary body alone, the decomposition of this planetary body of his does not proceed according to the general rule, that is to say, the cessation of the functioning in his organism of every kind of sensed-impulse does not proceed simultaneously with the approach of the ‘sacred Rascooarno,’ that is, death.


“But the process of the sacred Rascooarno begins in him still during his planetary existence and proceeds in parts, that is, one by one there gradually cease to participate in his common presence, the functioning of one or other of his separate independent spiritualized ‘localizations’—or, as your favorites would say there, in such a being, first of all, one of his brains with all its appertaining functions dies; later on, the second one dies, and only then does the final death of the being approach.


“In addition to this, after the final death, the ‘disintegration-of-all-the-active-elements’ of which the given planetary body was formed, proceeds firstly much more slowly than usual, and secondly, with the inextinguishable action—only lessened in proportion to the volatilization of the active elements—of the mentioned ‘sensed-impulses’ he had during life.


“For the second kind of Hasnamuss-individual, that is, when the Kesdjan-body of a three-brained being becomes such, the corresponding consequences are that such an indeed unfortunate arising, freed from the planetary body of a three-brained being, on the one hand not having the possibility of perfecting himself independently of and without a planetary coating, does not succeed in eliminating from his presence this maleficent something even not always acquired by his own fault, which something is always and with everything in the Universe an obstacle for the correct flowing of the common cosmic Trogoautoegocratic process; on the other hand, owing to the property in him of Toorinoorino, that is, not being subject to decomposition in any sphere of that solar system in which he is formed, he must inevitably be again coated in a planetary body and in most cases with the exterior form of a being of one- or two-brained system; and in view of the brevity in general of the duration of beings of these planetary forms and also not having time to adapt himself to a single exterior form, he must constantly begin all over again in the form of another being of the planet with the full uncertainty as to the result of this coating.


“And as regards the third kind of Hasnamuss-individual, namely, when the highest being-body of a three-brained being becomes such, and when this certain something participates in his coating in such a quality that he never loses the possibility of freeing himself from it, the matter is still more terrible, chiefly because he—as a higher cosmic arising, who according to the foreseeing FIRST-SOURCED-PRINCIPLE-OF-EVERYTHING-EXISTING was predetermined to serve the aim of helping the government of the whole increasing World, and on whom from the moment of the completion of his formation, even when he was not yet perfected in Reason, was placed the responsibility for every subjective voluntary as well as involuntary manifestation—has the possibility to succeed in eliminating from his presence this something, exclusively only by the action of the results of intentionally actualized Partkdolg-duty, that is to say, of ‘conscious-labors-and-intentional-sufferings.’


“Hence such a higher being-body must inevitably always suffer correspondingly, having already acquired the gradation of what is called the ‘degree-of-cognition-of-one’s-own-individuality,’ until this certain something is entirely eradicated from his common presence.


“As a place for the suffering existence of such a high order of Hasnamuss-individuals, the HIGHER-SACRED-INDIVIDUALS have intentionally allotted, from the totality of the large cosmic concentrations, four planets, disharmonized in their subjective functioning, situated in various most remote corners of our Great Universe.


“One of these four disharmonized planets called ‘Eternal-Retribution’ is specially prepared for the ‘Eternal-Hasnamuss-individuals’ and the other three for those ‘Higher being-bodies’ of Hasnamusses in whose common presences there is still the possibility of ‘at some time or other’ eliminating from themselves the mentioned maleficent something.


“The three small planets exist under the names of:

(1) ‘Remorse-of-conscience’
(2) ‘Repentance’
(3) ‘Self-Reproach.’


“Here it is interesting to notice that from among all the ‘highest being-bodies’ which have been coated and perfected in every kind of exterior form of three-brained being there have, so far, reached the planet ‘Retribution’ from the whole Universe, only three hundred and thirteen, two of whom had their arising on your planet and one of these is the ‘highest being-body’ of this Lentrohamsanin.


“On that planet Retribution, these Eternal-Hasnamuss-individuals must constantly endure those incredible sufferings called ‘Inkiranoodel’ which are like the sufferings called Remorse-of-Conscience but only much more painful.


29 The Fruits of Former Civilizations and the Blossoms of the Contemporary


“As it later became clear, these ancient fishermen amused themselves at first with such games as children now play there—but children, it must be remarked, who have not yet started contemporary schooling—because the children there who do go to school have so much homework to do, consisting chiefly of learning by rote the ‘poetry’ which various candidate Hasnamusses have composed there, that the poor children never have time to play any games.


“This advance of theirs into the interior of the continent Asia proceeded very successfully, and their ranks were constantly being increased, chiefly because the learned beings who had been in Babylon then continued everywhere on the continent Asia to infect the Reasons of beings with their Hasnamussian political ideas.


“But when some time later there appeared and stood at the head of what is called an ‘army’ that completely formed Arch-Vainglorious Greek, the future Hasnamuss, Alexander of Macedonia, then from that time on, there began to proceed that clean sweep of the last remnants of the results of the very saintly intentional labors of our now Common Cosmic Most Very Saintly Ashiata Shiemash, and again there was resumed, as it is said, the ‘old-old-story.’


“This latter occurred because for various Hasnamussian purposes and for their famous, as they call them, ‘scientific aims,’ they collected the surviving ancient productions from all countries and, not knowing how to preserve ancient objects, they only hastened their speedy destruction.

“But they used and still use those ‘antiques’ they collected as ‘models’ for ‘cheap goods’ which are everywhere known on that ill-fated planet by the name of ‘Ersatz.’


“And in consequence of the absence in them of this ‘logical mentation,’ all of them, almost without exception, merely because certain candidates for Hasnamuss there have asserted that they could obtain something ‘good’ for themselves by means of this sport—an assertion they believe with all their presence—have now, in the hope of attaining this same something, given themselves up entirely to that sport.


“I thought about it during my stay there before my final departure from that planet.

“And I first began thinking about it when I learned that the power-possessing beings also of that no less great contemporary community were already utilizing that maleficent means of theirs, sport, for their own Hasnamussian aims, exactly as the power-possessing beings of the community Russia had, for their similar aims, utilized what is called ‘the-question-of-Russian-vodka.’

“Just as the power-possessing beings of the community Russia then tried, by every kind of artifice, to instill into the weak wills of the ordinary beings the necessity of the intensive use of the said ‘Russian vodka,’ so also the power-possessing beings of that community England are now already also maneuvering to intrigue the ordinary beings of their community with this same sport and to urge them to it by every means.


30 Art


“And as regards this word art itself, upon which, thanks to the strangeness of their Reason, there has been ‘piled up’ during this time, as they themselves would say, ‘devil-knows-what,’ I must tell you that my special investigations regarding this word made it clear to me that when this word among the other words and separate expressions used by the learned beings of that time also began automatically to pass from generation to generation and chanced to get into the vocabulary of certain three-brained beings there, in whose presences, owing to various surrounding circumstances, the crystallizations of the consequences of the properties of the organ Kundabuffer proceeded in that sequence and ‘reciprocal-action,’ as a result of which they predisposed the arising in their common presences of data for the Being of Hasnamuss-individuals; then this said word for some reason or other happening to please just this kind of three-brained being there, they began using it for their egoistic aims, and gradually made from it that very something which, although it continues to consist of, as it is said, ‘complete vacuity,’ yet has gradually collected about itself a fairylike exterior, which now ‘blinds’ every one of these favorites of yours who keeps his attention on it only a little longer than usual.


“After the Babylonian period, this expression also automatically passed from generation to generation with almost the same meaning, but nearly two centuries ago, when the beings of that time began wiseacring with the mentioned data, particularly in connection with that ‘empty’ word art, and when various what are called ‘schools-of-art’ arose and everybody considered himself a follower of one or another of those schools, well just then, never having understood its genuine sense and chiefly because among the number of the said schools of art there was also a school of a certain, as the contemporary beings already called him, ‘Orpheus,’ a figure invented by the ancient Greeks, they then decided to invent a new word defining their ‘vocation’ more exactly.


“So instead of the said expression Orpheist they just invented the word artist, which had to mean ‘he-who-is-occupied-with-art.’


“Here, by the way, it is interesting to note that it has gradually become the rule in the general process of the ordinary existence of these three-brained beings who have taken your fancy that the changes of the appearance of the mentioned covering are governed by such beings there of both sexes as have already ‘become worthy’ to become candidates for Hasnamuss-individuals.


“In this respect, the contemporary theaters turned out to be corresponding for your favorites, because it is very convenient and easy for them to show off, as they like to say, their ‘chic coiffures’ or the ‘specially-tied-knot-of-their-cravat,’ or the daringly bared, what is called ‘Kupaitarian-part-of-their-body,’ and so on and so forth, while at the same time they can look at the new manifestations of the ‘fashions’ already actualized according to the up-to-date indications of those same candidates for ‘Hasnamuss-individuals.’


“The maleficence for all the other of your favorites of the totality of the radiations issuing from them has become distinctly noticeable, particularly in recent times of their present civilization.


“Although certain of the ordinary beings there long ago used to become such professionals, yet in former times, on the one hand, every kind of data for Hasnamussian properties did not become completely crystallized in the presences of all these professionals, and on the other hand, other of your favorites obviously instinctively felt the maleficent influence issuing from these professionals and hence were on their guard and behaved towards them in a corresponding manner and very carefully.


“It must also be noticed that in spite of all this, not a few of the still surviving productions of the Babylonian times reached the beings of the contemporary civilization, chiefly the beings breeding on the continent Europe. But these productions which reached the beings of this contemporary civilization—and not originals but only half-decayed copies made by their recent ancestors who had not become entirely what are called ‘plagiarists’—they simply, without suspecting the ‘well-of-wisdom’ concealed in them and without taking corresponding practicable measures, stuffed into what are called ‘museums’ where these old copies are gradually either totally destroyed or partially mutilated by frequent copyings from them, made by means of various eroding and oxidizing compositions as, for instance, ‘alabaster,’ ‘fish glue’ and so on, only so that the copyists might swagger before their friends or cheat their teachers, or achieve some other Hasnamussian aim.


32 Hypnotism


“Although contemporary learned beings there affirm that the beginning of this branch of their science was made by a certain English professor named Brade and that it was developed by the French professor Charcot, yet in reality, this was not so at all.


“From my detailed investigations of this said question, by the way, it became also clear that the former, Brade, had unmistakable signs of the properties of a Hasnamuss, and the latter, Charcot, had the typical properties of a mama’s darling.


“And this was obtained because when these ‘learned-beings-of-new-formation’ began writing various books about these questions, with every kind of fantastic theory, many ordinary beings there began to read them and became crazy with their fantasies and themselves began trying to evoke this hypnotic state in each other and as a result they brought themselves to the point of becoming my patients.


“Among such patients of mine were the wives of husbands who, having chanced to read these works, wished to suggest to their wives their egoistic wishes; for similar reasons children of unreasonable parents became my patients; various men who were found to be under the orders, or as it is said there, ‘under the thumb’ of their mistresses, and so on and so forth.

“And all this only thanks to the fact that these ‘sorry-learned-beings-of-new-formation’ cooked up their Hasnamussian theories concerning this distressing state of theirs.


34 Russia


“The point is that, among the number of all possible kinds of ephemeral fantastic informations from the totality of which, as a result, their strange Reason proper to them alone is formed there, there is likewise the history of this same Egypt.


“This fantastic history evidently thought out by some or other candidate for Hasnamuss individuals among them, was even made for them what is called an ‘obligatory subject’ in all educational establishments, in which this ‘history,’ among other similar ‘stupidities,’ is strongly ‘hammered’ into their separate concentrations for the functioning of spiritual perceptions and manifestations, that is into what they themselves would call the ‘brains’ of these unfortunate future responsible beings; and further, when they become such, these ‘fantastic-informations-learned-by-them-parrotlike’ by compulsion serve them as material for being-associations and for ‘logical-confrontative-mentation.’


37 France


“It will be as well to notice and to draw your attention to the fact that the fathers and grandfathers of these ‘artists’ or ‘actors’ of the contemporary ‘Montmartre theater restaurants’ still only quite recently in these various establishments there in Montmartre—thanks of course to what is called the ‘sweat of peasants’—laughed at and insulted the individual dignity of the beings of other communities, but now their children and grandchildren themselves are humbled and serve as objects for the satisfaction of the ‘Hasnamussian caprices’ of what are called the ‘much-moneyed beings’ of other communities.


“It is necessary to tell you that it had already become in general customary that when beings from the whole of the planet, who have already completely given themselves up to their, as I said, inner ‘evil-God,’ flock to this chief center of culture, then these beings, among other of their maleficent actions, further do this: they occupy themselves out of idleness, in order to satisfy their whims, with devising ‘new-forms-of-manifestations-of-their-Hasnamussianing,’ or as is said there, with ‘new fashions,’ and spread them from there over the whole of the planet.


“This Hasnamussian usage, that of devising ‘new fashions,’ existed in former civilizations also; during the Tikliamishian civilization it existed under the name of ‘Adiat,’ and at the time of Babylon, under the name of ‘Haidia.’


Adiat, Haidia, or fashions, are like our customs for daily being-existence which are established for the daily use of the three-brained beings for the alleviation of inevitable exterior conditions independent of beings, and which usually gradually enter everywhere into the daily use of beings as a necessary need, essential for them. These said contemporary customs or fashions of theirs are, firstly, only temporary and thus serve for the satisfaction only of the personal insignificant aims of these present and future Hasnamusses, which become phenomenally abnormal and trivially egoistic; and secondly, they are neither more nor less than the results of automatic Reason based on that relative understanding, which generally flows from the abnormally established conditions there of ordinary being-existence.


“Thus, in this same city Paris, about one and a half of their centuries ago, several of these Hasnamussian candidates ‘invented’ that the beings of the female sex there should go about with their hair cut, and this maleficent invention of theirs began to spread like wildfire by ways and means already established there.


“And while in these two contemporary communities, namely, in the community England and in the community America, the cutting of women’s hair has already produced, in the first case ‘suffragettes,’ and in the second what are called ‘Christian Scientists’ and ‘theosophists,’ and moreover when this Hasnamussian fashion of cutting the hair of beings of the female sex became universally spread, as you will learn from the continuation of my tale, a proportionate increase was everywhere noticed—as I was informed by the etherogram I received—in the number of the illnesses of these unfortunate beings of the female sex, which they call women’s diseases, namely, various sorts of venereal inflammations of the sexual organs, such as ‘vaginitis,’ ‘uteritis,’ ‘ovaritis,’ and what they call ‘cancer.’


“And so, my boy, although this same fashion, the cutting of the hair of the beings of the female sex, invented in this Paris itself by beings with Hasnamussian properties, was not then in the beginning implanted in this same community France, yet owing to their capital being the collecting place for the beings with Hasnamussian properties from other countries who continue to persist in this maleficent invention, these latter have ultimately succeeded in implanting it; and the beings of the female sex, there in France also, likewise have begun to cut their hair, and at the present time this cutting of their hair is in full swing for nearly all of them. At the hairdressers even, chiefly of course there in their capital Paris, they have to take their turn as I was informed in this etherogram, exactly as people had to take their turn not long ago in the community Russia for receiving ‘American flour.’ And from this contagious rush of women to the hairdressers to get their hair cut, court proceedings are already arising between these hairdressers and the fathers, husbands, and brothers of these ‘shorn lambs,’ and many what are called ‘divorces’ are also obtained.


“This is not all: by these means they unconsciously brought and bring to the ordinary beings of their community a certain benefit, diverting them and giving them temporary relief from the ill effects of their fascination by ‘fashions,’ invented by present and future Hasnamusses gathered in this capital from various countries, and under the slavery of which fashions the ordinary beings of this same France have now fallen even more than all other beings of other communities.


38 Religion


“And so, when, on the one hand, thanks to these crystallizations, there began to be acquired in the common presences of certain terrestrial three-brained beings, the first germs of what are called Hasnamussian properties, in consequence of which such beings began, as is proper to them for their egoistic aims, to invent for the ‘confusion’ of surrounding beings similar to themselves, various fictions, among which were also every kind of fantastic, what are called ‘religious teachings’; and when, on the other hand, other of your favorites began to have faith in these fantastic religious teachings, and gradually lost their ‘sane mentation’ thanks to these same crystallizations, then from that time on there began to arise in the process of the ordinary existence of these strange three-brained beings a large number of ‘Havatvernoni’ or ‘religions’ having nothing in common with each other.


“Speaking briefly, the result of the mentioned two factors among the three-brained beings of this strange planet, which had been fixed in the process of ordinary existence, and, namely, the inherency in the beings belonging to the caste of the ruling class, and the psychopathy of certain of their ordinary beings, is that they always get divided on questions of religion—soon after its foundation, on whatever religious doctrines these religions may have been built up—into their famous ‘sects,’ and these sects in their turn get divided into other sects, and thanks to this, just the same occurs there in all epochs on this comparatively not large planet in the sense of religions, as with the large number of the spoken languages there, referring to which our highly esteemed Mullah Nassr Eddin called it ‘a thousand-tongued hydra,’ and in the present case he would say ‘varied-titillating-titillations.’


“Now as regards the second great religion which was founded, as I have already told you, upon ‘bits-here-and-bits-there’ from the teaching of the full-of-hope Saint Mohammed, this religion from the very beginning of its arising began to be particularly applied and used for their egoistic and political aims by beings there with Hasnamussian properties, and hence it is the most ‘stripped’ of all.


“The power-possessing beings of certain communities there gradually mixed into this divine teaching, for their said Hasnamussian aims, such ‘spices’ of their own invention that a ‘Sherakhoorian-combination’ resulted, the secret of which would be the envy of all the contemporary famous European as they are called ‘pastry cooks’ and ‘chefs.’


“And there in Gemchania too, beings of one community began to pipe with full blast against beings of another community that ‘Hasnamussian music’ they call ‘policy,’ that is, they began to ‘criticize’ each other, to ‘lower each other’s standing,’ to ‘down each other,’ and so on, their aim being to create what is called ‘prestige’ among the local beings in relation to their own community.


39 The Holy Planet “Purgatory”


“Such a superpeculiar being-Aimnophnian-mentation about their ‘God’ proceeded in your favorites chiefly from the Hasnamussian manifestations of those ‘learned’ beings who, you remember, I have already told you, assembled in the city of Babylon and collectively began to invent various maleficent fictions concerning their ‘God,’ which were afterwards by chance widely spread everywhere on that ill-fated planet. And in view of the fact that that period coincided with the time when the three-brained beings there began to exist particularly ‘Selzelnualno,’ i.e., particularly ‘passively,’ in the sense of the being-efforts proper to three-centered beings, therefore these maleficent inventions were thoroughly absorbed and appropriated by the beings.


“In the last centuries there, very many among them, in whom data for all kinds of Hasnamussian properties were more strongly crystallized, even became specialists in aiding the destruction of such accidentally actualized sacred being-fulfillments and these specialists they call there ‘makers of angels.’


“And so, those two words then, evidently, were just the causes why the poor initiates of that time, when infected by the general psychosis, imagined that the same things were talked of in that fantastic beautiful theory of the Babylonian future Hasnamusses, but only in greater detail; and they began half consciously to insert certain details of this fantastic theory into the Legominisms concerning the holy planet, and afterwards these informations, passing from generation to generation, blossomed out with the additions of these fancies, which again our dear Mullah Nassr Eddin expresses by the one word: ‘Kmalkanatonashachermacher.’


42 Beelzebub in America


“A good example, and even, so to say, an ‘illuminatingly enlightening picture for your being-representation’ of what extraordinary perspectives are opened for the future by just this invention of theirs, is the fact that already certain of these contemporary American beings who have acquired, of course also by a variety of accidents, a quantity of their famous dollars now arrange in their ‘water closets with comfortable seats’ such accessories as a small table, a telephone and what is called a ‘radio apparatus,’ so that when so sitting, they may continue their ‘correspondence,’ discuss over the telephone with their acquaintances all their dollar businesses, quietly read the newspapers which have become indispensable to them, or, finally, listen to those musical compositions, the work of various Hasnamusses there which, because they are, as is said, ‘fashionable,’ every contemporary American businessman is also obliged to know.


“Well then, thanks to the fact that many diseases then called ‘Kolbana,’ ‘Tirdiank,’ ‘Moyasul,’ ‘Champarnakh,’ and so on, and called by contemporary beings ‘tabes,’ ‘sclerosis disseminata,’ ‘hemorrhoids,’ ‘ishias,’ ‘hemiplegia,’ and so on, were widely prevalent among the majority of those using these exceedingly comfortable ‘couch beds,’ those beings from among them in whose common presences the data for Hasnamussian properties had, thanks to the complete absence of the actualization of being-Partkdolg-duty, already previously begun to be crystallized more intensively than usual, and among whom were those called ‘revolutionaries,’ observing this particularity, decided to take advantage of it for their own purposes; that is to say, types of this kind invented and circulated broadcast among the masses of beings of that time, that all the aforesaid epidemic contagious diseases resulted from the fact that, thanks to the beds, ‘if you wish to enjoy felicity, then enjoy it with a mighty bang,’ the ‘parasitic bourgeois’ contracted various diseases, which diseases afterwards spread by contagion among the masses.


“These candidates for Hasnamusses of the Middle Ages, having been among the chief agents in the destruction of the real meaning of the teaching of the Divine Teacher Jesus Christ, then also devised and introduced into everyday existence, as a regulation, the maleficent invention which they called ‘bon ton.’ And this maleficent invention then became so strongly fixed in the psyche of the majority that it became organized for them and began to pass by heredity from generation to generation, so that now your contemporary favorites, who have become completely weak-willed, are unable, however they may try, to overcome such an abnormal psychic fixation as, in the given case, the notion of the indelicacy of talking to their children about the ‘sex question.’


“At the present time the people of contemporary civilization talk to their children and teach them for their edification only what has been invented or is being invented in the manuals of various candidates for ‘Hasnamuss individuals’ under the aforesaid title of ‘bon ton.’


“It seems to me that this has happened because there have migrated there, and still now migrate from the continent of Europe, beings chiefly from among what are called the ‘simple beings’ who are not, so to say, the ‘hereditary offspring’ of the European beings belonging to the ‘ruling caste’ in whom, thanks to transmission by inheritance from generation to generation during long centuries of predisposition to Hasnamussian properties, there is at the present time so much of what is called ‘inner swagger’ that it would never permit them to blend with the general mass in order to strive together with common efforts to become such three-brained beings as they should be.


43 Beelzebub’s Survey of the Process of the Periodic Reciprocal Destruction of Men, or Beelzebub’s Opinion of War


“From this contrivance of your contemporary favorites some advantage might be derived, even quite a great one, but only for their inevitable newspapers, for drawing-room conversations, and, of course, for the various Hasnamussian manipulations of the terrestrial as they are called ‘stock-jugglers.’


“For instance, if instead of wiseacring now and as is still said there ‘Don-Quixoting’ with the aim of immediately attaining the total cessation of these processes of theirs, they were to occupy themselves with the eradication of the conviction, which has become fixed in their ordinary process of existence, of the virtue of two notions they have; that is to say, if they would try to attain the abolition of the practice of exalting certain of the participants in these processes to what are called ‘heroes’ and rewarding them with honors and what are called ‘orders,’ and also if they would try to attain the abolition even of one of their illustrious ‘sciences’ from among their many ‘Hasnamussian sciences,’ invented by certain pimpled beings among them, in which it is nonchalantly proved that the periodic reciprocal destruction on the Earth is very, very necessary, and that if it did not exist an intolerable overpopulation would result on the Earth, and such economic horrors would ensue that men-beings would begin to eat one another.


“And as regards the beings of the second of the enumerated states, that is, those who also after a certain transformation of their psyche are called by other beings plutocrats, then to the beings thus called, those of the intelligentsics there are promoted who previously, during the period of their responsible existence, were able very artistically to get all the honest, that is ‘naïve,’ fellow countrymen of theirs they came across, into their toils, thanks to which they become the owners of a great quantity of what is called there ‘money’ and ‘slaves.’


“Here, bear in mind that it is just from these terrestrial types that most Hasnamuss-individuals arise.


“Several centuries ago, however, when many of these ‘types’ were developed there and when it became clear that the other beings of the Earth had somehow to dignify them with a title, then those beings there who at that time were in charge of such questions invented for them this name plutocrat.


“It seems that they then deliberated and pondered a very long time precisely what name to invent for them. They deliberated and pondered a long time because they already very well understood that these types on their planet are scoundrels of the deepest dye, and already so to say, saturated by every kind of Hasnamussness to the marrow of their bones.


“The difference between the plutocrats and the theocrats there is only this, that the first act upon their surroundings for the satisfaction of their Hasnamussian needs through that function which is called among them ‘trust’; while the second act through that function which has gradually replaced in your favorites the sacred function that serves all the three-brained beings as one of the three sacred paths for self-perfecting, and this function they call by the name ‘faith.’


“In order that you may represent to yourself and understand well in what way unfortunate Nature there so adapts Herself that there should be attained what is called the ‘equilibrium of vibrations,’ required from this planet for the common-cosmic harmony, I shall explain to you only about one fact which is just now being actualized there, that is to say, subsequent to that process of theirs which they called the ‘World War.’


“It was plainly owing to the fact that during the said process what is called ‘poison gas’ was invented by beings called ‘Germans,’ and what are called special ‘rapid-fire machine guns’ by beings called ‘Englishmen,’ that the amount of Rascooarnos or deaths unforeseen by Nature took place on this occasion and in a far greater quantity than was then required by Her, or, as the candidates for Hasnamuss there, namely, the commercial businessmen, would say, ‘overproduction’ occurred in respect of the deaths of the three-brained beings required there.


48 From the Author


The lecture which I propose to append as a conclusion to this first series was more than once read by my, as they were then called, “pupils of the first rank” during the existence of the mentioned institution. Certain of them, by the way, turned out subsequently, to my personal sincere regret, to have in their essence a predisposition to the speedy transformation of their psyche into the psyche called Hasnamussian—a predisposition which appeared and became fully visible and clearly sensible to all more or less normal persons around them, when, at the moment of desperate crisis for everything I had previously actualized, due to the said accident, they, as is said, “quaking for their skins,” that is to say, fearing to lose their personal welfare which, by the way, I had created for them, deserted the common work and with their tails between their legs took themselves off to their kennels, where, profiting by the crumbs fallen from my so to say “idea-table” they opened their, as I would say, “Shachermacher-workshop-booths,” and with a secret feeling of hope and perhaps even joy at their speedy and complete release from my vigilant control, began manufacturing out of various unfortunate naïve people, “candidates for lunatic asylums.”