Study of Beelzebub's Tales

31.545

“Once when I went as usual into this said laboratory of his, I saw that he was pounding something in a mortar, and, as is usually done there on these occasions, I inquired what he was doing.

31.545

“To this he replied to me thus:

31.545

“‘I am pounding burnt sugar for this prescription,’ and here he handed me a scrap of paper on which the usual prescription was written of a widely spread medicinal means existing there under the name of ‘Dover’s powder.’

31.545

“This powder is called there ‘Dover’s,’ because it was invented by a certain Englishman whose name was Dover, and it is used there chiefly for coughs.

31.545

“I read the prescription he gave me and I saw that sugar was no part of it, and much less burnt…. Whereupon I expressed to him my amazed perplexity.

31.545

“Whereat, with a good-natured smile, he answered me, ‘Of course sugar has no part in this prescription, but instead it does contain a certain percentage of “opium.”’

31.545

“And he further explained as follows:

31.546

“‘This Dover’s powder is, I don’t know why, a very popular remedy among us in Russia, and it is used by almost all the peoples of our enormous empire.

31.546

“‘Many hundreds of thousands of packets of powder are used here daily all over the country and the opium this powder ought to contain is, as you know, no cheap thing and if real opium were put into this powder, the opium alone would cost us pharmacists six or eight kopecks a packet, and we have to sell this powder for three to five kopecks. Besides, even if all the opium from the whole of the globe were collected the position would be the same, there would not be enough for our Russia alone.

31.546

“‘So instead of the prescription of Doctor Dover we pharmacists have invented another prescription consisting of such substances as are easily obtainable and which are accessible and profitable for everybody.

“‘That is why we pharmacists make this powder of soda, burnt sugar, and a small quantity of quinine; all of these substances are cheap… well, quinine is, it is true, a little expensive… but then, you see, not much of it is required. Of the total 100 per cent of the composition of these powders, there will only be about 2 per cent of quinine.’

31.546

“Here I could not help interrupting him: ‘You don’t mean it?… But it’s not possible!… Has no one ever discovered that instead of Dover’s powder you give them this particular mess?’

31.546-7

“‘Of course not,’ laughingly replied this good acquaintance of mine. ‘These things can be detected only by sight and taste; and this Dover’s powder which we make, however you turn it and under whatever microscope you examine it, is in color the same as it should be according to the genuine prescription of this Doctor Dover. And as to taste, it is absolutely impossible thanks chiefly to the proportion of quinine which we put into it, to distinguish it from the genuine powder made with the real opium.’

31.547

“‘But the analysis?’ I asked him.

31.547

“‘What analysis?’ he replied sarcastically, though also with a kind smile. ‘A thorough analysis of a single powder would cost so much that, with this money, you could buy not only half a hundredweight of this powder, but possibly even open a whole pharmacy with it; so it is understandable that, for three or five kopecks, nobody is likely to be such a fool.

31.547

“‘Strictly speaking, nowhere is the analysis about which you are thinking ever done.

31.547

“‘Each town, it goes without saying, has its “analytic-chemists,” and even every municipality has such “specialists” in its service.

31.547

“‘But what do they amount to and what do they know, these specialist “analytic-chemists”?

“‘Perhaps you do not know how these specialists who occupy such responsible posts study, and what they understand?… No?…

“‘Then I shall also tell you about this.

31.547

“‘For instance, some mama’s darling, a young man, inevitably with a pimpled face—and he is pimpled because his mama considered herself a high-brow and thought it was “indecent” to speak of and to point out certain things to her son, whereupon this son of hers, not yet having formed his own consciousness, did that which was “done” in him, and the results of these “doings” of his, as with all such young people, appeared on his face as pimples, which are very well known even to contemporary medicine…

“‘Well, my honorable doctor…’ it was thus that the pharmacist continued.

31.548

“… And really, my boy, among these contemporary Germans, especially during recent times, the invention of ‘scientific’ books in all branches has also increased.

“Since analysis is also a branch of their science, so in this branch also a great mass of books has already been accumulated among these German scientific beings, and almost all the peoples of Europe as well as other countries use these scientific books.

31.548

“Well, that kind pharmacist said further: ‘It is this young man who has finished his University course and consequently drawn his knowledge concerning what is called the “complex of substances” from the books fabricated by the German scientific beings, who must make the analysis of our Dover’s powder.

31.549

“‘For this analysis he takes up from his table what they call his “pharmaceutical guide,” also composed by Germans, which every official analytic-chemist is bound to have; and there in that guide he hunts up the place where are written the formulas of powders of all kinds.

31.549

“‘As Dover’s powder is known everywhere, it is of course also included in that book.

31.549

“‘Thereafter our highly respected analytic-chemist takes from his table a form on which official title is indicated and writes:

“‘“The powder sent to us for analysis proves to be, according to all the data, Dover’s powder. The analysis showed it to contain…” And he copies a formula from his German pharmaceutical guide, deliberately increasing or diminishing some of the figures, but increasing or diminishing them of course only very slightly so that they may not slap you in the eye.

31.550

“‘Besides, no one is to be found who, for the sake of three kopecks’ worth of Dover’s powder, would kick up such a fuss.

31.550

“‘At all events, venerated Doctor, for thirty years now I have been making these powders according to the prescription of “ours,” and I certainly sell them; and up to today I have never had any misunderstanding on account of these Dover’s powders of ours. And no misunderstanding can occur, because Dover’s powder is already generally known everywhere and everybody is convinced that it is excellent for a cough.

31.550

“‘And all that is required of any remedy is that it should be known to be a good one.

31.550

“‘As regards how the remedy is made and what it contains, what does it matter?

31.550

“‘Personally, in my handling of these remedies for many years, a definite opinion has been formed in me that none of the remedies known to contemporary medicine can be of any use at all without faith in it.

31.551

“‘And faith in a person concerning any remedy arises only when the given remedy is known and when many people say that it is very good for a certain illness.

31.551

“‘It is just the same with this powder of ours; once it is called Dover’s powder, that is enough, because everybody already knows it and many people often say of it that it is excellent for coughs.

31.551

“‘And besides, speaking candidly, our new composition of Dover’s powder is much better than the real one made from the prescription of Dover himself, if only because it contains no substance injurious to the organism.

31.551

“‘For instance, according to the prescription of Doctor Dover himself opium must enter into the composition of his powder.

31.551

“‘And you know the properties of opium? If a man takes it often enough even in small doses, his organism soon gets so accustomed to it that later, if he ceases dosing himself, he suffers intensely.

31.551

“‘But from the powder made from our prescription this would never happen, since it contains none of that opium or any other substance harmful to the organism.

31.551

“‘In short, my esteemed Doctor, every one ought, when walking in the streets, to shout from the bottom of his heart: “Long live the new prescription for Dover’s powder!”’